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Saturday, April 24, 2004
Exhausted. Just woke up, and already exhausted. I really haven't done anything at all, except to eat breakfast (spilling half the soup onto the floor from sheer exhaustion). I haven't felt this tired since the first profs, and it isn't just a physical lethargy, I feel as if my mind is drained out, my mental faculties dimmed and all emotions numbed, and the only thing i'm capable of doing is simply lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. Even typing this out is work, the words just don't flow with their usual ease.
Reason : I fell asleep at 5am this morning. Last night I couldn't force myself to sleep, kept awake by thoughts about lots of things, especially about me and F_, interspersed with occasional flashes of images from the horror film we caught yesterday. I came to a conclusion, that dislike it as I may, I have to change the rules in this relationship. I'm adding 2 new ones, but they're only for myself to follow, and don't really concern him - if what he told me is true, that he feels that I don't give him enough breathing space and that he'd rather we didn't spend so much time together, he should be ecstatic over what I'm about to do. Like I said, I don't like it, but there is nothing I can do about it. I want this relationship to last, so even if it has to come to this, although it makes me very sad to do so, I have to do it, if only to save this relationship. I just love him so much that I don't want to quarrel with him anymore. Actually, he probably won't even notice it at first. But it means a big difference to me.
Truth is, it really hurt me when he told me that...how he hated playing with me on bnet, how he disliked going out with me so often because it was tiring...when I heard, I was so shocked that I started crying, for I genuinely thought that he enjoyed spending all that time with me, as much as I enjoy spending time with him. Then gradually as we continued to speak on the phone, the shock turned into bitterness, and finally settled into depression after he put down the phone. And now, after a night's worth of exhausting thinking, I'm left emotionally numb. Empty. I'm too tired to cry anymore.
12:46 PM
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