Thursday, April 29, 2004
After seeing how nice my friends' blogs look with their new templates, I got inspired to look for a new one for my blog (it's been a year, see) plus I was bored, so I surfed and tried out a few, but it's hard to find nice, free templates which actually fit my blog. I found a really cute one, which scrolls horizontally (instead of the usual vertical kind) but there's a caution stating that each box can't be too long, or the boxes will look weird, so I couldn't use that one, cos I have a bad tendency to rant and rave when I'm either very sad or very happy, and to post stupid pictures from quizzes declaring that I'm (together with 366,998,999 other pple) actually frodo in disguise, and should be cast in the next lotr movie (the volcano with the ring erupts, spewing the ring into a rice padi in Indonesia, which belongs to a poor farmer who then turns into an asian gollum).
Anyway, I just realized that I haven't blogged for almost a week, and my ardent fans (population : 1) must be baying for my blood, so here's an update on my nefarious activities of the past week, mostly consisting of reading with impunity during boring mindless SSM lectures, mouthing off at the tutor this morning (tutor : "so, would you consider doing V_'s research on gene targetting that she did in JC?" - V_ just gave a lengthy account on that subject and ended with a 'it was interesting but the actual experimentation was repetitive and tedious'- me: "oh, but she just said that it was boring what!") but thankfully with some happier events interspersed.
On Sunday I went cycling with W_ and S_ , a quarter of my rg gang (sadly the rest couldn't catch a flight back to singapore on time) W_ wanted sentosa again, so we went, and discovered that we could finish all the trails in 1 hr instead of the predicted 2 hrs (cos we didn't haf to consult the map at all this time, thanks to my excellent guidance). Also the gals didn't want to go on the challenge trail (BAH). But we did the jungle trail, and despite the initial complaints and losing W_ temporarily (" oh no, she's been eaten by a monster" - 2 mins later- "ahhh!!! what's that behind us?!!") S_ drove us in, and we circled the island 3 times before finding a parking spot (very crowded on sundays). At the entrance, they gave us a pamphlet - there was a dance performance at the musical fount that evening, and horrors of horrors, my good ole secondary school softball rivals were performing (hint : chink chang chong). I bet with the other two that there'd be furry pink fans and cheena music galore. Nobody wanted to take up the bet. I was proven correct. We had a picnic there. W_ forgot to bring bread (!!!) so we had to eat tuna out of the tin, and S_ brought fried eggs and ribena, and it was quite a feast. I think tuna tastes better without bread. But then I was very hungry. After that we went to the southermost blah blah blah to take pictures, it was very dark by then, and I haf a wonderful pic of W_ flashing the third finger at S_, the poor hapless photographer. I insist she wasn't flashing it at me. By some freak of lighting, there's this wonderful flame at the end of said finger, which makes her look like she's got a candle in her hand. Waiting for S_ to send me the pics. Made my own way home from harbourfront mrt, didn't get lost (yay!). Good job, charz.
Monday was loads of fun, F_ and I caught kill bill vol 2, which was damn cool & hilarious, and makes me wish that my lecturers were like pai mei (*beardflick* "M2s!! You are a bunch of treacherous dogs!!" "HAAAIIIIII!!!!!" *gouges eye out of sleeping student in row one* ) Ah, those were the days. Incidentally, I was moste amused when one of my group members suggested today that we shoulde explore the merits and mechanisms of the five-point exploding hearte technique. Although I yelled out a moste enthusiastic "hear, hear!", the brilliante suggestione was unfortunately not popular amongst the plebian masses (who hadn't had the priviledge of watching the showe) and consequently rejected. After the movie, we adjourned to 24hr swensens where F_ insisted that I order a salad as well, so as too prevent a repeat of last week's moste embarassing situation, where the waitress, assuming wrongly that the lady was the one ordering the salad, plonked the bowl in front of me instead of him, provoking much laughter from me and much irritation from my affable, loveable, decidedly straight but dieting lunch partner.
Tuesday : I am moste proude to announce that my darling F_ has finished his driving course and has had the opportunity to book a driving test date on the 17th day of the month of May in the year of our Lord 2004, at precisely 11.45am. I shall, of course, make an appearance on said date to cheer my beloved on, and also to stop any cars in the circuit from getting into his way *evil laughter* On this moste blessed daye I had the pleasure of WL's company. WL had been clamouring to see the puppies for a few weeks, and I felt that it was only righte that I allow her a sneak peek at the delightful doggies, for they lifteth the spirit and sootheth the soul. As WL had had a long day, after the ogling session we adjourned to my bedroom, where we spent the next 2 hours during some serious bumming-on-the-bed and chit-chatting about nothing in particular, like what makes us happy. She told me that she used to be very achievement-oriented, especially back in sec school and JC, what with academia and fencing. But now she's just happy to bask in the glow of the Lord. She's a happy person. What makes me happy? Haha I'm sure those close to me already know... Simply loving people and having people love me back makes me happy. So easy right? I'm an easy person to please. Really. And she told me something very heart-warming..she told me that whenever she can't make a decision, she'll use the advice which i gave her (I think it was way back in early january, when I was still going to church), which is to make all her decisions in love. I wish I could follow my own advice, I know sometimes when my temper gets the better of me I definitely don't do that, but I'm trying...It's the best way I can think of, to make a decision :) I'm happy now, in case you're wondering.
God, F_, my family and friends, they surround me with love and make me feel that life is worth living, always.
On wednesday, oh sweet wednesday, I had another fabulous wonderful fantastic day with F_, it was just the perfect day for me, although this week has been fun and wonderful every single day, truly God has blessed me this week :) Anyway, yesterday was really great, cos 1) I was with F_ (which is always good) and 2) I got to bum with him at my place, something we haven't done for ages!! We played with the puppies, he fed me chocolates and ice-cream (force-fed, now my bed has choc stains..heh) and we fell asleep, and we played the piano and held hands and walked down the street, and it was just wonderful and great and fun...It's so rare that we get privacy like this. No crowds, no noise, just the two of us in paradise. *Happy sigh*
Today was spent discussing SSM in groups in the morning (a happy little moment when I could be with F_ for a short while in med library & walking me to sem rm before the boring stuff began) and then, finally, reuniting with my beloved for a satisfying lunch at ikea, then going to queenstown library and finding no seats, except in the auditorium next to the cafe, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise cos they were screening pinocchio for a bunch of kids, and we watched too, and boy did it bring back memories for me! Used to watch it as a kid...Also bambi and dumbo...Haha that must have been at least 14 years ago. Boy am I old. Heh. Both of us (especially F_) were tired, so we went home after that, and I fell asleep, until the lightning and thunder and the rumbling in my stomach woke me up, and then I went to eat dinner and to look for F_ online, but he was busy on his gp guidebook, so then I surfed the net for templates till he was free, and now i'm repeating what I wrote right at the start of this entry (I started this entry almost 2 hrs ago) so I shall end this extra-long entry here.
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Exhausted. Just woke up, and already exhausted. I really haven't done anything at all, except to eat breakfast (spilling half the soup onto the floor from sheer exhaustion). I haven't felt this tired since the first profs, and it isn't just a physical lethargy, I feel as if my mind is drained out, my mental faculties dimmed and all emotions numbed, and the only thing i'm capable of doing is simply lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. Even typing this out is work, the words just don't flow with their usual ease.
Reason : I fell asleep at 5am this morning. Last night I couldn't force myself to sleep, kept awake by thoughts about lots of things, especially about me and F_, interspersed with occasional flashes of images from the horror film we caught yesterday. I came to a conclusion, that dislike it as I may, I have to change the rules in this relationship. I'm adding 2 new ones, but they're only for myself to follow, and don't really concern him - if what he told me is true, that he feels that I don't give him enough breathing space and that he'd rather we didn't spend so much time together, he should be ecstatic over what I'm about to do. Like I said, I don't like it, but there is nothing I can do about it. I want this relationship to last, so even if it has to come to this, although it makes me very sad to do so, I have to do it, if only to save this relationship. I just love him so much that I don't want to quarrel with him anymore. Actually, he probably won't even notice it at first. But it means a big difference to me.
Truth is, it really hurt me when he told me that...how he hated playing with me on bnet, how he disliked going out with me so often because it was tiring...when I heard, I was so shocked that I started crying, for I genuinely thought that he enjoyed spending all that time with me, as much as I enjoy spending time with him. Then gradually as we continued to speak on the phone, the shock turned into bitterness, and finally settled into depression after he put down the phone. And now, after a night's worth of exhausting thinking, I'm left emotionally numb. Empty. I'm too tired to cry anymore.
12:46 PM
Thursday, April 22, 2004
They're giving ruffles away. I don't have a say in this, and frankly, I can't be bothered to argue with them, cos it seems that
being loud and whiny wins the day - and I'm not very good at being either. I was growing attached to it, to tell you the truth, and it does hurt me a little that they're giving him away knowing full well that I like the puppy best of all - I've told them countless times before - but at the end of the day there's F_ and his love for me and all these things don't really seem to matter any more, they really don't. I don't know if this sounds stupid or childish, but I do wish he was here right now, so I could just snuggle in his arms. I know that's the only thing that'd make me feel better, it was a mistake to get so attached to a puppy which I had no guarentee of keeping in the first place. I wish he was here. But he's sleeping now, tired from sending me to the airport, and gym. I really do appreciate him doing that for me. Thank you, I love you, F_.
Monday, April 19, 2004
Woke up this morning to the not-so-delightful chimes of my handphone signalling a msg had arrived (an invitation to discuss matters of the utmost importance online when I finally GET MY BUTT OUT OF BED). Before I could even utter a single swear word (a rather interesting dream had been interrupted), as if in blatant defiance, my handphone emitted a series of more insistant squeaks - a call from the Master, sounding broodily sexy, or perhaps just plain broody (?). After arranging a meeting of the moste coverte nature, at a moste secluded place (coro busstop), the call was terminated, whereupon my nose started to leak fresh blood. Apparently even a simple chat with the Master is sufficient to cause a berry aneurysm. I fear the worst is upon me. Eating a sandwich, holding tissue paper to your nose and typing with one hand is no mean feat, I assure you. But finally, oh sweet moment, hemostasis has set in, and a deal is struck with my joyful accomplice. The day promises only to get better. Now I await the moment at which the clock strikes twelve.
11:27 AM
Saturday, April 17, 2004
After worrying about someone who forgot all about the worrier, I lay on my bed and thought about the people who love me. They all seem so far away now...my parents, my brother, my two best friends...I miss them terribly. Did you know? I can be very foolish sometimes.
But right now, I just feel more alone than I've ever felt in my entire life.
Monday, April 12, 2004
Today -finally- I heard you sing, that deep rumble of a bass rising up from your throat as you praised the Lord with all your heart. The sound of which I had almost forgotton, and sorely missed. Later, you held my hands in yours as we bowed our heads in prayer. The thought crossed my mind (again) how tiny my hands are compared to his. I felt your love for me radiate through your palms to the very depths of my soul. Later at dinner you mentioned -in jest?- that you felt inadequate because you ought to be bringing me to exotic places. I wanted to tell you, but the words somehow or other got stuck in my throat
Being with you is my greatest happiness in life. It is with you that I am most content, and it really doesn't matter where we are. We can be in the most boring place on earth (think school library) and I'd be happy to be there simply because you're there. I know I'm not the most eloquent person in the world, and I wish with all my heart that I could express fully how I feel, but I can't. Whatever it is, wherever life may lead us in the future, I just want you to know that I'll always be by your side - I'll never leave you. I love you. 12:29 AM
Why does Dream look like he's wearing a bra?
12:15 PM
YAAaaaayyyy!! examsoverexamsoverexamsover. finally!!! can get more than 4 hours of sleep...hehheh...i'm gonna pay off the sleep debt tonight by sleeping in till past noon tmr...ok it's between sleeping and playing wc3 and reading a good book...Darn i'm really spoilt for choice. Another dilemma - to call or not to call. I want to talk to him, but he said he was very tired and wanted to sleep. So i don't know if he's awake now or not, cos he went to sleep at like...6pm or so. But on the other hand, if i hadn't been awoken for dinner, i'd prob still be sleeping now too. So i think i really shouldn't bother him. Arghhh!!! i hate myself. Why do my thoughts keep revolving around him? I love him so much!!!
List of what i missed most this past month :
1) cuddling wif him
2) going to church (and all the people said? amen! yessssss...)
3) reading...fiction. had quite a fair share of non-fiction. duh.
4) wc3...(ok admittedly i did play but the past few days i've been restricting myself)
5) eating good food (i.e. not from the canteen or a vending machine)
6) just sitting and daydreaming (i *did* do this during studying but it always evoked a sense of guilt upon returning to the real world)
7) playing wif my dogs and their little doglets
8) talking to my buddies (although F_'s company is so good this isn't all that high up on my list...haha i'm so happy just to be with him :D
9) browsing in bookstores (hey, free + new books = great way to while away the afternoon)
10) talking cock with my siblings (it's been mostly just 'good luck' and 'thanks' recently)
11) sports. everything. especially running. and swimming. I WANT MY ENDORPHINS!!!
12) watching the coy (dad caught me staring at them on saturday while i was supposed to be studying. oops.)
13) watching football (obviously my team needs my viewership. but unfortunately for them this is secondary to going out wif mah man on weekends)
14) writing stupid stuff on my blog (e.g. top ten list of what i miss most this past month) which nobody reads (except mah man...i think)
y'know what's weird? i'm starting to become pretty attached to the male pup (if i had my way, i'd name him "ALPHA MALE" but nooooo....it's a gay name "ruffles". other two are oreo (black) and ritz (gray). thanks to my sis) Not only is it absolutely adorable, even though his sisters have more exotic coat colours, i think it likes me (and the people said? *woooow*). Just now after dinner my sister took them out of the enclosure, lay down on the floor and put ritz & ruffles on her stomach. Which was, of course, a rather stupid move cos Q came bounding up and jumped onto the middle of her stomach, displacing my sister's fats to her sides and causing ritz to fall (bounce) off. Having just woken up and all that, I was rather blur and thought that it was ruffles on the ground and picked her up and started stroking her, but felt that something was wrong, cos it just seemed...different. And it couldn't seem to settle down. Then I realised I was holding the wrong pup so I passed it to my sis, who put it in her lap and ritz stopped squirming so much (incidentally she's my sister's fave) And when I put ruffles in my lap, he felt asleep almost immediately! (after making a futile attempt to suckle on my fingers and thighs) I guess it's cos everytime we visit the pups, my sibs and I end up taking out just our fave pup, so they're more used to our respective smells. Incidentally, my brother and my aunt have claimed themselves conjoint owners of oreo. Not that i'm complaining...i just hope i can keep ruffles.
"For reversible crimes, or crimes in which restitution is possible, the pay-back theory works quite well. If I burn your house down, the appropriate restitution is for me to build you another house complete with furnishings to match as nearly as possible the original furnishings, and pay your expenses including your rent while your new house is being built. But If I murder you, it is not clear how that crime can be balanced. Having an agency of the government murder me because I murdered you does not balance anything. You are certainly no better off because I have been executed! But perhaps we shouldn't place only money and goods and services in the balance. How about pain and suffering? If I murder you, your friends and relatives will suffer not only financially or materially but also emotionally. How can I recompense them for their suffering? How can I alleviate their suffering? How do I weigh their suffering? It may be that they are glad I murdered you and saved them the trouble of doing it themselves! Or they may be really devastated emotionally and may seek psychiatric and psychological help in handling their grief and getting their life back on track. I could pay the psychiatrist and psychologist. These efforts might be called emotional restitution."
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Yawn. Bored. Stuck at chapter 13 of r&t and not making any progress. keep thinking of playing wc...heh. glad that F_ is making good progress on his side...wish i could study as efficiently as him but well...guess not everybody's blessed with his brains. Wish he was studying wif me tho, somehow or other everytime he studies wif me it's always better, whether it's in the library or at home. Strange huh. But i noe it's unfair of me to expect him to study wif me just cos i study better wif him...the travelling time to school and all that just doesn't make it worth it for him i guess, whether he studies better wif me or not :P Oh well. Guess i'll have to make do wif my own company then. Thankfully monday's is the last paper, then i'm FREE!!! for almost 5 months!!! *wow* this is bliss. no mugging, nothing. can just laze around everyday or just hang out wif F_. We already planned to go watch passion on monday, plus pig out at tony roma's, etc. Haha i wouldn't mind going to sicc again (maybe lunch, then tony's for dinner) to reward myself wif a good steak, but i'll haf to ask F_ about that, tho who wouldn't want a good steak and salmon belly sushi ?
Seriously, it's damn boring studying alone. Especially when my sibs are bumming ard watching beauty pageants and chatting wif their friends on msn. Getting phone calls from F_ and bnetting wif him is the only bright spark in an endless sea of boredom and drudgery.
Ok i haf like 518 pages, 29 chapters to go and 32 hrs to do it in, provided i don't sleep or eat or do anything else but stare at r&t. Wish me luck.
