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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
When I realized how excited my friends in UK were about seeing snow for the first time, I felt so so blessed because the Lord has blessed my family so abundantly. We've had so many opportunities to see snow that all it is to us is how many inches thick, if it's powder or packed, groomed or in moguls...Truly God's grace is super-abundant. And nowadays whenever I feel down, or unloved (oh wait...that's like...never..i have the most fantastic bf, family and frens in the entire world!! :) I just remember that Jesus loves me, and that nothing can keep me apart from his love. And whenever trouble strikes, I know I can seek refuge in His presence. And that nothing I do will ever be far from the mark, because I have the Holy Spirit to guide me from within, and I think that's one of the best gifts of all.
Just now I was reading a couple of blogs and couldn't help thinking, with a little dismay, that to anybody who didn't love me and know me well (ok perhaps even to those who do) my blog seemed horrendously boring in comparison to others, especially the overseas pple, who tend to blog more and all that. But the feeling disappeared soon enough, cos I realized that the reason why I keep this blog private (i.e. I only gave the address to my loved ones, tho i suspect others may have found it) is mostly because sometimes I write on sensitive subjects, esp when I'm feeling depressed, and partly because this is more like a diary than a blog. It isn't meant to be a series of GP essays, or harbour any pretensions to be "deep". I like it the way it is, and if the pple who read it don't like it, I really couldn't care less - this is my private little bit of cyberspace :)
And I was musing to myself today, that how I wish all my friends could hear pastor P preach, I think his sermons have really changed my perspective on life, and I think it's made me a much more understanding gf too, which is why my relationship with F_ is much much better these days, and I know we love each other even more than before. I can feel it. What I realized was that when my life is revolving around Jesus, instead of F_ or myself for that matter, it gives my life balance, and everything naturally falls into place. And ironically, I can truly love F_ more, in the true, unconditional, agape love which is the same love that Jesus has for us. Once my life used to revolve around F_. It might sound flattering, but it's not a good thing, trust me, cos the love I had for him was bordering on obsessiveness, it's hard to explain...so intense, like when you have a crush on someone (and crushes don't last long). And it becomes very selfish too, cos you expect so much from your other half, you expect your other half to love you in that same crazy, obsessive manner that you love him, you demand a lot from him, especially time, and patience :P And it makes you so insecure, because you're hanging onto every single word that he says, every action that he takes, can make or break your day. And it's an unfair burden on him, cos I'm expecting him to be perfect, and who is perfect?
Nowadays we've learnt to give each other space, and we can be perfectly candid with each other, it's an honest and open relationship. Now I know that if i say this F_ might get angry, I hope he doesn't take this the wrong way... :x
But I think something good came out of last year's crisis. Because it made us realize that there was a serious problem in our relationship, and at least we managed to correct the problem before it came to a stage where a permanent breakup was inevitable.
Anyhow, I'm just really glad that things have settled down now. F_ just finished his essay, and I'm so so proud of him, because whatever he sets his mind on he'll achieve it, and I just know that he's going to win. And I'm also very very happy that he's taken a great interest in the Word of the Lord, and I just want to apologize to F_ for being initially reluctant to answer his question about Christianity and medical ethics this afternoon, guess I was rather taken aback when he told me that this pic that W_ printed out for me, which shows Jesus guiding the hand of the surgeon as he operates, with the quote "and surely i'm with you, to the very end of the age", was total bollocks. Cos when she gave me that pic, I took one look at it and my heart was filled with joy, because I felt a renewed urge to want to become a good doctor, and it gave me motivation to study. I mean, imagine it! Even when I become a doctor in future, whichever line I specialize in, Jesus will always be right by my side, guiding my hand. And right now, I'm only still studying, but everytime I feel weary, I look at the picture and I know that Jesus is right there studying with me, and I feel so wonderful. Of course, knowing that F_ is on the other side of the table (althought I can't see him) is also a wonderfully comforting thought, and I think he doesn't know how ecstatic I am that we've found such a fantastic studying spot/manner, so we can study together and be together and still study effectively. Even more motivation to study. When I was on the way home, after dropping my darling off at the mrt, I was thinking about his question, and I realized that it was indeed a very relevant one, and I was naive to think that I would never get into any similar situation, and I'm glad he asked me the question, cos it made me reevaluate my relationship with God, and my attitude in doctoring. After half an hour's worth of discussion, I concluded that whatever choice I made in those scenarios he put forth to me, I would let the Holy Spirit be my guide, and as a doctor who has sworn the Hippocratic Oath, I would do my best to save my patient's life, even if it violates his religion, simply because it is my duty as a doctor to save as many lives as possible within my capacity, and because as a Christian, I think that it would be doing my duty to save the patient and try to tell him about Jesus, then if he rejects the gospel then it passes out of my hands and into God's. Rather than to let the patient die (although it might be his wish) without ever knowing about the abundant grace that God has for us through the redemption of our sins. Now I think that would be not saving a life, both mortally and immortally. That's my conclusion, I cannot say for certain that that i the correct choice, because it is not up to me to decide what is right or wrong, but it does seem to agree with my heart.
Ok I better go mug now, was blogging halfway when W_ called, had a little chit-chat with her. I love talking to her cos she's a comfort to talk to, whenever I am troubled she'll remind me that Jesus loves me and that everything will turn out alright, and it's true! Hmm wonder what F_ is doing now, either sleeping or mugging intensively...Hasn't called yet. Sigh. The cough medicine is making me really drowsy...But I'm supposed to finish like half of git today, dunno*how* i'm going to do it, but with Jesus right beside me everything is possible. Sis been bugging me to help her with a-maths, better get down to it now i guess. F_....
10:24 PM
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