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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Aha. Finally. ipod update is complete. woah took awhile there, kindda scared me. thought my comp had hung or sthg. more music to fuel my mugging. was getting rather bored of the selection in mugger's choice. Haha today was such a lazy bumming around useless day. woke up at 8.30am, looked at my watch, and thought "noooo waayyyy am i going to wake up this early when i've decided to pon school." so promptly went back to bed. at 10am went down for breakfast and found parents having breakfast. gave them a rather sheepish smile so they wouldn't ask me why i wasn't in school. mom commented that my eyes were swollen. stuffed my face and didn't say anything. went up to start work, F_ called, after that felt rather restless and went to my room to beautify myself (i.e. paint toenails-very overdue- and depiliate myself. haha) i would call it self-love if it didn't sound so much like...uh....jerking off. ended up reading foundation & earth while waiting for nails to dry, which was kind of a mistake cos after that i couldn't take my eyes off the book and ended up reading and not studying. F_ called again and demanded a game of wc3 which i stupidly agreed to, stupid cos i noe i don't have time left to study and yet i'm taking up an old addictive habit =P after a satisfying game, went back to hit the books and *finally* finished one chapter of endocrine. so slow hor. and my target was 4 chapters today. after that wasted time d/ling songs, then dinner and more foundation and just had a game with him and updated ipod. haha seems like i didn't do anything much today right? how fast a day passes you by when you're just bumming.
Bad news is, I really gotta drag my lazy carcass to the sci lib to mug. Otherwise i'm gonna fail my tests for sure.
In other news, polar bears turn green when not drowned in bleach periodically. And my cough is back. I suspect that running back and forth between the library and bro's toilet to spit out phlegm might have contributed slightly to the lack of productivity today. F_, on the other hand, i heard, accomplished quite a bit today. Good for him. Guess we just work differently huh? He's right tho- i suffer from a serious lack of discipline. ADHD?
11:40 PM
Saturday, February 21, 2004
La dee dum. Lazy day. Bummed ard the entire day doing nothing, basically just ate and slept alot. And read foundation's edge, which is really hard to put down. bro's friends came over so dad ordered pizza and now i'm stuffed and don't feel like studying (not that i've done anything much today anyway...but nvm) Was helping mom with jigsaw (which is nearing completion) when F_ called so here I am now blogging away.
omg i read this email sent by mary.
"On the 21st of February 2004, the world's largest jelly mosaic, created to form the Singapore Flag, will be constructed on the Imperial College Queen's Lawn. "
Haha. so amusing. I can just imagine the headlines the next day "Singapore students in hospital due to overeating" in an attempt to placate school authorities who were MUCH DISPLEASED by the left over agar. And then, "Killer Ants swarm IC Queen's Lawn." Oh, my imagination is running away.
Feel like returning to the jigsaw. Mom was sooo happy when i went to help her. Says she needs my good eyesight to differentiate the colours etc. Haha. Little does she know that my eyesight is the pits. In the LT, even with my contacts, the screen is still blurry when i sit in the last row. Sigh.
Going to church with F_ tmr (Finally!) Miss him already. Didn't see him today. Sigh. :x
10:25 PM
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
OMG. Out of sheer boredom i returned to the comp and decided to go read mary's blog, which i haven't done in quite a while, admittedly :P randomly clicked on one of her links which said "daily devotion" and found this. It's so relevant to today's thingsie that it's amazing.
February 17
Taking the Initiative Against Depression
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Arise and eat
—1 Kings 19:5
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The angel in this passage did not give Elijah a vision, or explain the Scriptures to him, or do anything remarkable. He simply told Elijah to do a very ordinary thing, that is, to get up and eat. If we were never depressed, we would not be alive—only material things don’t suffer depression. If human beings were not capable of depression, we would have no capacity for happiness and exaltation. There are things in life that are designed to depress us; for example, things that are associated with death. Whenever you examine yourself, always take into account your capacity for depression.
When the Spirit of God comes to us, He does not give us glorious visions, but He tells us to do the most ordinary things imaginable. Depression tends to turn us away from the everyday things of God’s creation. But whenever God steps in, His inspiration is to do the most natural, simple things-things we would never have imagined God was in, but as we do them we find Him there. The inspiration that comes to us in this way is an initiative against depression. But we must take the first step and do it in the inspiration of God. If, however, we do something simply to overcome our depression, we will only deepen it. But when the Spirit of God leads us instinctively to do something, the moment we do it the depression is gone. As soon as we arise and obey, we enter a higher plane of life.
It's really true, ok. I'm gonna arise and eat now. Feeling hungry.
9:59 PM
Oh incidentally, I just realized something. My favourite book of the Bible is Psalms, that's where I run to for comfort. It's rather coincidental that according to quizilla, I am Psalms. Hmm. Maybe there's more to the quiz than I thought.
8:32 PM
Woke up on the wrong side of bed today. Ok not literally, but spent last night tossing and turning despite going to bed relatively early (i.e. before midnight, for once :D) Went to school bleary-eyed and feeling sian, exacerbated by an sms from F_ saying that he'd overslept and wouldn't be joining me in school. But yeah, I know the travelling time doesn't justify the 2-hr lect and all that. I totally understand. Really. I love him to itsy bits. After a horrendously boring lecture by the phD student (who'd got her computer back, thankfully, and wasn't scribbling "subway sandwiches-mm mm" on the whiteboard in her miniscule handwriting while yakking about chromosomes and whatnot) which was spent with me zooming through each page, highlighting the important stuff, then sitting back and reading the sermon on the mount and totally ignoring her long-winded and unnecessary elaborations. I tend to do that a lot when I'm alone. But that's ok. I find my own ways of amusing myself.
During the break I had made up my mind to go home already, but I don't know why, after the lecture I ended up eating unagi by myself and heading off to the library in search of company. W_ was at pbl so I sat that alone, opened my books and I don't know why, but suddenly this oppressive heaviness came over me, this feeling of deep depression and loneliness and helplessness. I don't know where it came from or why, because despite having a lousy sleep I wasn't all that tired, but it was really bad. Just then F_ sent me an sms and I admit I gave a rather nasty reply, because of that strange, inexplicable feeling. I felt so horribly....alone. I know I was physically alone, but I'm not usually adverse to being alone, in fact I've studied alone many times before. I just don't know why it happened today, and it was so, so strong. And then I just sat there and started crying, and I figured there was no point in sitting there and trying to smother my tears, I might as well go home and let it out, so I took a taxi back (I think God was trying to comfort me cos the moment I reached the roundabout outside the crc, a taxi came by and dropped off its passenger, so i just hopped in, didn't even need to walk to nuh...wow)
Went to my room, locked the door, called F_, took my medicine, put on a CD and went to sleep, woke up about 4 hrs later feeling much much better, called my beloved, then went down to talk to parents and found out that they GOT THE VOTES (close one) woohoo! Decided to just do whatever i want to do today, so I went to read comics, watch my tortoises waddle around (used to do that alot in sec sch, now just don't have the time), help my mom do her jigsaw (sky of the second half), horse around with my family at dinner (instead of my usual 5min dinner), tried this strange fruite called the grapefruit which is a cross between an orange and a pomelo and apparently only tastes nice if it's Made in America. My sister claims that it supresses insulin and therefore is THE THING which dieters swear by, but errr I dunno if she's trying to pull a fast one on me. She's done it before.
Feel great now. Finally feel inspired to study. This morning I lost the will to study but now by the Love of Jesus, F_ and my family I am renewed in spirit and in faith and I aim to do well for my exams. Oh, plus F_ says we shld go for physio tut tmr so I'm gonna be a good girl and go read endocrine now.
Love is really a very powerful thing, you know.
8:31 PM
Friday, February 13, 2004
Spent the entire day alternately sleeping and listening to pastor P's CDs and praying and reading the Bible. Last night I fell asleep listening to his sermon on "thanking your way to faith and peace", which was very apt cos I was very troubled and couldn't sleep, so at 3am I put the CD on, and his voice and the message somehow or other put me into a fitful sleep. In fact I haven't even stirred from my room since (till now, 6.45pm) except to grab a piece of bread and a bottle of yakult at 10am, then went back into my curtain-darkened room and re-listened to that sermon. And even though my heart was so troubled, it brought me a measure of peace. Because it taught me how to pray in faith. I wrote my own prayer in accordance to the troubles I was facing, and after I prayed it, I felt peace, and I went to sleep again.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
-Phil 4:6-7
I think if I hadn't listened to this sermon I would have gone crazy and done something stupid to myself. Truly, God's message saved me today.
Lord, I cast all my worries about _______ into your loving hands.
Father, I want to (request)____________.
I thank you, O Lord, for your faithfulness. Lord I thank you, that whether or not _________ happens, You'll always provide for all my needs. You who feed the birds of the air and cloth the lilies of the field, you'll take care of me, you are my refuge and my source of all things. I thank you that you love me, and give me your peace.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.
6:58 PM
Thursday, February 12, 2004
haven't done one of these for awhile. Think it really suits me. Yay.
feeling woozy, just took medicine. doc prescribed codine cos the other one (.....elixir) doesn't work. it's bright green. and very very addictive. heh heh.
oh no i didn't get any studying done today. i didn't get anything done today except see the doctor which was at the top of my list. so i guess i got my priorities right then. hah.
F_ is romans. Kindda suits him too. Lalala.
You are Romans.
Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
8:39 PM
You are Psalms.
Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
8:38 PM
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Just came across this wonderful verse.
" For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and sound mind."
Finally had a good talk with mom just now, she was telling me about the problems her and dad are facing right now with regard to the business, my poor parents are under a lot of stress right now. And I felt bad, because they were so busy and had so much on their minds and yet I still did stupid things and made them worry, like losing my sister and doing badly in my exams. Also spoke to one of my good friends on the phone, she revealed that there was a period last year when she fell into deep depression, and I didn't even know, and I felt bad too that I had been so caught up in my own happiness with my beloved that I had neglected her, but I'm glad that her faith in God is so strong now, and that despite my neglect, she still loves me. Today was also W_'s birthday, I only realised that when I was writing today's date. i was like...hey....9/2.....somebody important's born on that day...Is it W? or my cousin J_? cos one of them is born on 7th, one on 9th...always mix them up.. So I just rang her up an hour ago, we chit-chatted for quite a bit, so fun to talk to her, so much has happened since we last had a gooooood long talk...In sec sch we used to call each other up every night and just talk so much nonsense, it was unbelievable, considering that everyday in class we'd be sitting next to each other (ok, at least when we were in the same group) and talking nonsense too. Haha.
Anyways, I realised one very important thing tonight, that is recently I've been so caught up in my own misery (being sick, stressed out by exams, etc.) that I totally forgot about my parents. So I resolve to be nicer to them, especially now in this critical period (for them). After all, life is meaningless if it's just revolving around oneself, isn't it? I dunno, this prob sounds really really weird, but I always felt that if i was to live life just for myself, it would seem so purposeless. So at first I tried to live for F_, but that wasn't good for either of us, and now I've found that the purpose of my life is to live for Jesus, and it fills my heart with indescribable joy. I admit, last night I had doubts, I couldn't sleep and even had to take one of my precious pills to go to sleep, because I was feeling very very depressed, I felt that I had no good reason to live, because I felt unloved. But after a good night's rest, I realised how silly I was, that even if mom scolds me unreasonably, even if F_ and I bicker, mom and F_ still love me so so much, and so do my dad and siblings and friends and Jesus and God and nothing, nothing can stand between Jesus' love and me.
I pray that as Jesus has died for our sins, he has also taken away all our burdens and sicknesses, and that in Jesus' name F_ will be made healthy again.
F_ means a lot to me. I love him. There are times, like now, when I just feel so overwhelmed by love for him that I don't even know how to express it. I wish I could tell him right now that I love him so so much, I love him I love him I love him, but he's asleep now, so I guess I'll have to wait till I see him tmr, what i really really wanna do first thing is to give him a gigantic hug and tell him how much he means to me and how I love him and what a wonderful person he is.
How I wish I could be a better person so that I could make him happy. Sigh.
12:30 AM
Monday, February 09, 2004
Just came back from anat prac. Still stinky. But I'm blogging cos I just wanna say that :
I miss my beloved F_ and I hope he gets well soon! Haven't seen him in two days. Hope to see him tmr. But if he can't meet up with me tmr i'd understand....but I really miss him!!!Sigh.
Anyway...
F_, I love you, have a good rest.
Luv,
Main
ok off to bathe now :)
2:42 PM
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Feel weak. Just woke up from a 3 hr nap (after taking cough mixture & the more potent, "night" pill for sorethroat) was expecting to sleep till tmr morn, was so tired but strangely enough didnt even enter deep sleep, was semi-conscious, had a lot of strange thoughts floating through my head, random words and images and snippets of conversations, and i could have sworn i heard somebody say "sphincter of Oddid" and now *that* woke me up. Went down for dinner, no food left except the vegetables (hmmm wonder why) so had vege & rice for dinner. Whee. It's been rough this week, with ca coming AND being sick...Talk about it never rains but it pours eh? I'm like my dad in this aspect, cos we very rarely get sick, maybe like max twice a year or sthg, but when we do get sick we get really really sick. Get breathless climbing up the stairs to sci lib, today almost fainted on the way up and had to sit down for abit, when i finally made it to the top, was flushed and couldn't breathe, and it's not cos i'm unfit or anything, it's just that i'm sick. And being sick also makes me damn crappy, cos taking the medicine makes me so darn drowsy that all i want to do is go home and sleep, yet i have to force myself to study, so i end up feeling horrible. And I think F_ deserves an apology from me, for patiently bearing with me these few days.
I'm sorry darling.
Still got 2 chapters of git to go plus head&neck, plus re-revision of renal (din really get it the first time.sloooooow...) 1day left. Guess I better get down to it. Pray that my illness goes away soon! preferably before saturday. So i can take ca in peace AND have fun playing tennis with F_ (yay). Tally-Ho then.
8:56 PM
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
When I realized how excited my friends in UK were about seeing snow for the first time, I felt so so blessed because the Lord has blessed my family so abundantly. We've had so many opportunities to see snow that all it is to us is how many inches thick, if it's powder or packed, groomed or in moguls...Truly God's grace is super-abundant. And nowadays whenever I feel down, or unloved (oh wait...that's like...never..i have the most fantastic bf, family and frens in the entire world!! :) I just remember that Jesus loves me, and that nothing can keep me apart from his love. And whenever trouble strikes, I know I can seek refuge in His presence. And that nothing I do will ever be far from the mark, because I have the Holy Spirit to guide me from within, and I think that's one of the best gifts of all.
Just now I was reading a couple of blogs and couldn't help thinking, with a little dismay, that to anybody who didn't love me and know me well (ok perhaps even to those who do) my blog seemed horrendously boring in comparison to others, especially the overseas pple, who tend to blog more and all that. But the feeling disappeared soon enough, cos I realized that the reason why I keep this blog private (i.e. I only gave the address to my loved ones, tho i suspect others may have found it) is mostly because sometimes I write on sensitive subjects, esp when I'm feeling depressed, and partly because this is more like a diary than a blog. It isn't meant to be a series of GP essays, or harbour any pretensions to be "deep". I like it the way it is, and if the pple who read it don't like it, I really couldn't care less - this is my private little bit of cyberspace :)
And I was musing to myself today, that how I wish all my friends could hear pastor P preach, I think his sermons have really changed my perspective on life, and I think it's made me a much more understanding gf too, which is why my relationship with F_ is much much better these days, and I know we love each other even more than before. I can feel it. What I realized was that when my life is revolving around Jesus, instead of F_ or myself for that matter, it gives my life balance, and everything naturally falls into place. And ironically, I can truly love F_ more, in the true, unconditional, agape love which is the same love that Jesus has for us. Once my life used to revolve around F_. It might sound flattering, but it's not a good thing, trust me, cos the love I had for him was bordering on obsessiveness, it's hard to explain...so intense, like when you have a crush on someone (and crushes don't last long). And it becomes very selfish too, cos you expect so much from your other half, you expect your other half to love you in that same crazy, obsessive manner that you love him, you demand a lot from him, especially time, and patience :P And it makes you so insecure, because you're hanging onto every single word that he says, every action that he takes, can make or break your day. And it's an unfair burden on him, cos I'm expecting him to be perfect, and who is perfect?
Nowadays we've learnt to give each other space, and we can be perfectly candid with each other, it's an honest and open relationship. Now I know that if i say this F_ might get angry, I hope he doesn't take this the wrong way... :x
But I think something good came out of last year's crisis. Because it made us realize that there was a serious problem in our relationship, and at least we managed to correct the problem before it came to a stage where a permanent breakup was inevitable.
Anyhow, I'm just really glad that things have settled down now. F_ just finished his essay, and I'm so so proud of him, because whatever he sets his mind on he'll achieve it, and I just know that he's going to win. And I'm also very very happy that he's taken a great interest in the Word of the Lord, and I just want to apologize to F_ for being initially reluctant to answer his question about Christianity and medical ethics this afternoon, guess I was rather taken aback when he told me that this pic that W_ printed out for me, which shows Jesus guiding the hand of the surgeon as he operates, with the quote "and surely i'm with you, to the very end of the age", was total bollocks. Cos when she gave me that pic, I took one look at it and my heart was filled with joy, because I felt a renewed urge to want to become a good doctor, and it gave me motivation to study. I mean, imagine it! Even when I become a doctor in future, whichever line I specialize in, Jesus will always be right by my side, guiding my hand. And right now, I'm only still studying, but everytime I feel weary, I look at the picture and I know that Jesus is right there studying with me, and I feel so wonderful. Of course, knowing that F_ is on the other side of the table (althought I can't see him) is also a wonderfully comforting thought, and I think he doesn't know how ecstatic I am that we've found such a fantastic studying spot/manner, so we can study together and be together and still study effectively. Even more motivation to study. When I was on the way home, after dropping my darling off at the mrt, I was thinking about his question, and I realized that it was indeed a very relevant one, and I was naive to think that I would never get into any similar situation, and I'm glad he asked me the question, cos it made me reevaluate my relationship with God, and my attitude in doctoring. After half an hour's worth of discussion, I concluded that whatever choice I made in those scenarios he put forth to me, I would let the Holy Spirit be my guide, and as a doctor who has sworn the Hippocratic Oath, I would do my best to save my patient's life, even if it violates his religion, simply because it is my duty as a doctor to save as many lives as possible within my capacity, and because as a Christian, I think that it would be doing my duty to save the patient and try to tell him about Jesus, then if he rejects the gospel then it passes out of my hands and into God's. Rather than to let the patient die (although it might be his wish) without ever knowing about the abundant grace that God has for us through the redemption of our sins. Now I think that would be not saving a life, both mortally and immortally. That's my conclusion, I cannot say for certain that that i the correct choice, because it is not up to me to decide what is right or wrong, but it does seem to agree with my heart.
Ok I better go mug now, was blogging halfway when W_ called, had a little chit-chat with her. I love talking to her cos she's a comfort to talk to, whenever I am troubled she'll remind me that Jesus loves me and that everything will turn out alright, and it's true! Hmm wonder what F_ is doing now, either sleeping or mugging intensively...Hasn't called yet. Sigh. The cough medicine is making me really drowsy...But I'm supposed to finish like half of git today, dunno*how* i'm going to do it, but with Jesus right beside me everything is possible. Sis been bugging me to help her with a-maths, better get down to it now i guess. F_....
10:24 PM
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