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Monday, October 27, 2003
I've been wondering about the cause of this recent (or maybe not so recent) bout of...unhappiness. Ironically there've been ads on the newspapers and radio asking pple who are depressed to seek help. Wonder if it's because the suicide rate here is going up. I was thinking to myself that I wasn't like this (i.e. unhappy and fearful and stressed) before. In fact, I think my family and friends could testify that I can handle the academic workload well, and that I'm generally a happy, confident and easy-going kid. But nowadays I just feel like shit. Perpetually tired, no matter how much sleep i get, it's never enough, I never wake up refreshed, and this is brought over into school life, and poor F_ has to suffer for it sometimes cos when I'm tired I'm not exactly good company...super blur. Everything seems too much to bear, and too xian, and life has lost its flavour. This is strange because the past few weeks, thanks to F_, i've been going to church really regularly, and I always leave church exhilarated and happy, but come monday, when i'm back in the grind again, i can feel the burden coming back onto my shoulders. Right now I've got really bad muscle ache and am damn tired, but i can't sleep. Didn't sleep last night at all, cos F_ kept pestering me to watch some stupid horror movie, and I finally gave in to make him happy. It was so cheesy and dumb, and I laughed at it in the cinema, but when I got home and it was time to turn off the lights, I couldn't do it, and ended up sleeping with the lights half-dimmed and music on. Every time I close my eyes I can still see images from the movie, and it really bothers me. I doubt I'll be able to sleep again tonight. I'm writing all this on my blog because I need to let it out somewhere - my family is busy and I don't want to bother them, kor isn't online, and F_ is just plain sick and tired of me. I feel sorry to him about this, I know me being depressed does no good to our relationship, and I don't want him to think he is the root of the problem, cos I dun noe if he is...I think not, I hope not... And I know sometimes I'm so uptight about small stuff or I wrongfully accuse him of stuff, and I dunno why ..I'm just filled with so many irrational thoughts and worries that I feel like I can't breathe, and I cry everyday because I'm so frustrated that I can't forget my problems and simply be happy. I feel so damn shitty but I can't tell anybody...isn't it pathetic??? I wish I had somebody to comfort me, to hug me and tell me everything's going to be alright. I feel so alone.
7:30 PM
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