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Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Tmr's my birthday!! I'm so excited. 3 hrs 45 mins to go. I've got this tradition of staying awake till midnight, to herald this coming of age. Hmm I dunno why but I'm always extra extra blessed on my birthdays. Every single one is beautiful. I think tmr will be a wonderful day. Haha. The one thing which would make it extra extra special is if F_ celebrates with me. Then I'd be the happiest girl in the world. He showed me my present today, when I went to bring him lunch. I was very impressed, but I think I didn't really show it (cos I thought he was giving me something else..sheesh) so he doesn't know that I think his drawing skills are really good. Wish I could draw like that, but the only things I can draw are horses and flowers, and he told me that the sunflowers I drew for my mom sucked, so I didn't dare to give him a drawing for his birthday, in case he junked it or sthg.... =P His left eye isn't swollen anymore, but his right eye is still rather bad...I pray he recovers soon. Missed him in school today, and he's not going tmr, so I'll be all by my lonesome for lectures and physio tutorial...But it doesn't matter, as long as he gets a good rest. =) Plus, it's a short day, esp if i can crash the 10am physio tut, then school will end at 11.30....(My actual slot is at 11.30, ends at 1) Can't wait to see him again tmr. Hmm wonder what he's doing now, he's not online or on bnet...I think he's probably resting. He lent me his "Complete Works of the Great Fahgott". Reading the children's section now, the one about the fisherman and his soul. Yeah very slow hor. Cos I took a nap in the afternoon, that's why...To make sure I can stay up tonight =) Oh well, guess I'll go bum with my sis in the library and read the book...It's good reading. And wait for F_'s sms. =)
8:23 PM
Poor F_. His right eye has developed a white-head and it's really painful. Sigh. He's not going to school tmr (not surprising...poor dear). Oh no i'm a lard!! Today's apple strudel made me put on half a kg. very very bad. must stop eating so much. been overindulging recently. baaad. Sigh still stuck at anat tut question 1. they're 4 questions, but each of them has at least 2 parts. bored. ok i shall *attempt* to finish it up. trying to organise my stuff too, see what lectures i've missed and so on. helps to clear my mind.
Just finished helping little bro. he's so cute, he watched shrek a few times, and he likes the bit where the princess sings to the bird and makes it burst, so he got me to play the tune on the clavinova (it was in a weird key, so i took ~45 mins to find the chords and perfect it) cos his clavinova has this A-drive, and he can transfer it to a comp and send it to his hp..and voila! a new polyphonic ringtone...and he was persuading me while i was in the library, going "wow all my friends will hear it and beg me to give it to them! MUAHAHAHAH!!" errr, i hope he likes it =)
Ok i think perhaps i should get on with it. As in, work. F_'s gone to sleep now, but I was napping so much and slept till so late that i think i prob can't sleep till much later. When i went down to bug parents (again) just now, dad was reading the bible. he's at acts, and has been reading the new testament recently. so i started on matthew when i went to take a dump. Interesting. And good for the soul. Shall make it a habit =) I feel happy today, very happy, happier than i've been for a long long time. I think the depression has lifted, finally, and I think it's all thanks to finally getting a wonderful, long, uninterrupted sleep, today when i awoke i felt so rejuvenated and refreshed, and after my 3-hr nap, it was even better. Feel so energetic now. The only thing that's weighing on my mind right now is F_'s eye infection, I really really hope it goes away soon, my poor darling... Will be buying lunch to his place tmr, if he lets me =P i mean if he's awake by like 1pm. Feel like pampering him. After all, he always takes such good care of me... Plus I want to see him, swollen eyes or not...Okokokokok tutorial now.
12:54 AM
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Last night I was desperate because I could't sleep, despite being so so tired, and called to F_ for help, and he came. He really really loves me and I feel so blessed that I have such a wonderful, loving and kind boyfriend in F_. Truly, I could not ask for anybody better. And I thank God that he brought us together. Ponned school today, cos we wanted to sleep in, and his eye (now eyes) were really swollen and painful, and I'm just praying that they get better soon, they look so tortorous on him. Loaned him my funky sunglasses, he really looks very nice in them, and they hide his swollen eyes so well because they're wrap-around, so you can't even see the swollenness from the side. He looks so handsome in them. He just left my house, after a bit of bnet. We slept till way past noon, went for a late lunch at the apple strudel place which was just fantastic, and we shared a full loaf (which is really damn big) don't ask me how F_ managed to finish his half, I was sooo impressed. AMAAAAZING (leelardy). Oh no I feel like sleeping now, really a satisfied lard...*yawn* despite sleeping from like 12am to 2pm. Haha, sis ponned school today too. What a coincidence...Hmm I presume F_ is gonna fall asleep the moment he gets home, so I shall go and nap now (lard!). Tata. Perhaps another entry is in order, later tonight. Got loads of tutorials to do =( physio AND anat. Ah well, the slacker in me says "wdv man, worry about it later, go sleep now". Ok.
4:10 PM
Monday, October 27, 2003
I've been wondering about the cause of this recent (or maybe not so recent) bout of...unhappiness. Ironically there've been ads on the newspapers and radio asking pple who are depressed to seek help. Wonder if it's because the suicide rate here is going up. I was thinking to myself that I wasn't like this (i.e. unhappy and fearful and stressed) before. In fact, I think my family and friends could testify that I can handle the academic workload well, and that I'm generally a happy, confident and easy-going kid. But nowadays I just feel like shit. Perpetually tired, no matter how much sleep i get, it's never enough, I never wake up refreshed, and this is brought over into school life, and poor F_ has to suffer for it sometimes cos when I'm tired I'm not exactly good company...super blur. Everything seems too much to bear, and too xian, and life has lost its flavour. This is strange because the past few weeks, thanks to F_, i've been going to church really regularly, and I always leave church exhilarated and happy, but come monday, when i'm back in the grind again, i can feel the burden coming back onto my shoulders. Right now I've got really bad muscle ache and am damn tired, but i can't sleep. Didn't sleep last night at all, cos F_ kept pestering me to watch some stupid horror movie, and I finally gave in to make him happy. It was so cheesy and dumb, and I laughed at it in the cinema, but when I got home and it was time to turn off the lights, I couldn't do it, and ended up sleeping with the lights half-dimmed and music on. Every time I close my eyes I can still see images from the movie, and it really bothers me. I doubt I'll be able to sleep again tonight. I'm writing all this on my blog because I need to let it out somewhere - my family is busy and I don't want to bother them, kor isn't online, and F_ is just plain sick and tired of me. I feel sorry to him about this, I know me being depressed does no good to our relationship, and I don't want him to think he is the root of the problem, cos I dun noe if he is...I think not, I hope not... And I know sometimes I'm so uptight about small stuff or I wrongfully accuse him of stuff, and I dunno why ..I'm just filled with so many irrational thoughts and worries that I feel like I can't breathe, and I cry everyday because I'm so frustrated that I can't forget my problems and simply be happy. I feel so damn shitty but I can't tell anybody...isn't it pathetic??? I wish I had somebody to comfort me, to hug me and tell me everything's going to be alright. I feel so alone.
7:30 PM
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Ok i need honest feedback. I think only F_ reads my blog now, but if anybody else does (kor?) pls do tell me what you think. Need your opinion here, as to whether I exhibit any of this behaviour :
1) Preoccupation with details, rules, lists, organization or schedules
2)Perfectionism
3)Excessive devotion to work, ignoring even leisure activities and friendships
4)Over-conscientiousness and rigidity regarding matters of morality (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)
5)Inability to discard worthless objects of no sentimental value
6)Reluctance to delegate tasks or work to others unless everything is done their way
7)Miserliness
8)Stubbornness
I know practically all the attributes are rather unsavoury, but pls give me your honest opinion.
"The OC personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism and interpersonal control at the expense of openness and efficiency. People with OCPD tend to have difficulty accepting that their expectations of themselves and others are never fully met. They often come for consult with depressive symptoms resulting from the disappointment that stems from their own inflexibility and harsh rigidity.People with OCPD are troubled by the difficulty they have in getting along with people, and tend to have barren social lives and few friends."
I am quite certain that I used to have this when I was younger, like early secondary school, but it only lasted for a short while, and I can't help wondering if it's resurfacing again, because I've been feeling very depressed lately, and maybe I'm just being paranoid or sthg, but a lot of the symptoms sound very much like me. And just today, F_ said that I was inflexible. So, just give me your thoughts. Would really appreciate it.
11:52 PM
Going to church is good for the soul. You go to church essentially to worship God, and the pastor delivers a message to you from the Bible, and you pray en mass. During worship, you're focussed on God, and all your worries and anxieties are thrust to the back of your mind. I think that we have to go to church every Sunday simply because sometimes we get so caught up with our hectic little lives (I know I do) during the week that we forget to just leave everything to God and trust him to handle it. Because there's more to life than just studies. And whenever I lift my mouth to sing to the Lord, I am reminded once again of how much He loves me. For if He would feed the sparrows and clothe the lilies of the field, wouldn't He take care of me, a child of His, who is so much more in value? Nowadays I look forward to going to church. Perhaps it's because the worship is more interesting and enjoyable, more intense in this charismatic church i'm now attending, and perhaps because I have the company of my One True Love. At one time, attending church used to be almost a chore, and for a period I found all sorts of excuses not to attend, while my spiritual life just detioriated, and I forgot how wonderful it is to worship God. I'm glad that period is over now. Looking forward to tmr's service. =)
11:42 PM
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 13
I love this passage, because sometimes when I have doubts about the strength and tenacity of my relationship with F_, I read it and it reminds me that everything will turn out alright. That a lot of things are too petty to fight over or to brood over, that we should always forgive and forget. That the key to trust is "rejoicing in the truth" (i.e. not lying to each other, or hiding stuff) It reminds me that even though sometimes F_ may piss me off, or make me feel disappointed or sad, I'm not perfect either, and love is all about being generous, and give-and-take. After reading these verses, I feel Loved. By God, by my family, and by F_.
11:08 PM
Thursday, October 16, 2003
After reading the blogs of a thousand anonymous (and some not so anonymous) souls, i have been inspired to rejuvenate my ailing blog which hasn't been updated for a week. Admittedly, i only feel inspired to update my blog whenever my siblings update theirs (cos F_ doesn't keep a blog anymore...at least not that i know of *wink*) which currently is NEVER. Plus, med school has been so hectic that i simply have no time to update my blog anymore. Having CAs on alternate weeks has been taking a toll on my health...physical and perhaps mental as well...once one ca is over, you have a paltry one or two days to slack (or rather, to make up for lost sleep) then it's back to the grind again...You're perpetually stressed, coffee is your only source of sustanence (cos after awhile you're so tired you can't even be bothered to wake up early for breakfast) and after school all you feel like doing is sleeping but then you can't sleep cos you feel guilty about not studying. Frankly, the only thing which has prevented me from giving up on med school is F_, because when i'm with him, then i realise that there's more to life than just studying for a continuous string of CAs. That somebody loves me and cares about me, that I'm not mugging for the CAs alone...I love F_. He is also the only person I feel that I can turn to nowadays, cos my family doesn't understand how stressed I am. My parents think of me as the academically and mentally "strong one", who can be trusted to study by herself, without their motivation. My younger siblings think of me as some sort of weirdo-chao-mugger who is either fraternising with her textbooks or her bf. They pretty much assume that I can handle everything on my own, even when I whine to my mom about how stressed i am, she just deflects it with a smile and a simple "i think you're enjoying life more than your friends" (whatever THAT means) I guess it's because I always keep a smiley face in front of them, I don't want them to worry about me. So I only tell my problems to F_, because I think only he will understand, and even so, sometimes I don't want HIM to worry too much about me, so at the end of the day I keep most of them to myself, or tell them to God. The physical side effects of this chronic stress is pimples, worsening eyesight (my left eye ain't all that perfect anymore...must wear specs to school nowadays) and everybody (except F) tells me that I've lost weight. Worse still, last week we had two CAs in one, which really drove me to the brink of mental exhaustion (ever slept at 5am and woke up at 7am for a test? it's not worth it...) And other problems which are too personal even to put on this blog. Talk about it never rains but it pours. Felt so depressed the whole of week, just cried myself to sleep everynight, after F_ was asleep. Don't know if i've recovered yet, still feel shitty right this instant cos I know i should be studying but instead i'm slacking around, wanting to play bnet/read tombs/just chat on icq but too guilty to do any of them except blog and talk to F_ whenever he actually deigns to icq me. Sigh. I feel so damn unhappy now, and I don't dare to tell anybody, except my blog. I think i should just go to bed or something, and stare at the ceiling, cos that's the only thing which I seem to do at night. The only time I don't do that is when F_ is over, cos he'd take me out of my shell and distract me. I've been thinking it over and I should have told him just now, but I didn't, so here it is, if he reads this entry : I don't think I'm addicted to F_, I think I'm depressed because I feel overwhelmed and stressed by everything that's been happening to me, for example I still haven't got over any of the accidents yet...still having panic attacks. Contrary to what he believes, F_ is not the problem, he's the cure, cos when he's around he makes me feel safe (like when he's in the car I focus on him and I don't have panic attacks) and loved and he makes me feel like I am not alone, I can cope with my problems (e.g. when he studies with me, there doesn't seem to be quite so many topics to study). That's why if we were to spend less time with each other, it would only exacerbate the problem. Like I mentioned already, F_ is my sole source of moral support, and if he were to remove it, I'd just go crazy or sthg. But I do understand that he can't be with me 24/7 cos he has to spend time with his family too, I respect that, but just would like him to know that I really appreciate the time he spends with me, I treasure every moment of it, whether we're just napping or bnetting or studying or watching tv...Last sunday i brought F_ to a charismatic church, the worship style was very very different from my traditional church, but a lot more fun and we left with a strangely...exhilarated feeling. I'm real glad F_ enjoyed himself, cos it was his first time at church, and I didn't want him to be put off or anything. In fact, he said we'll be going again this sunday, and I really really look forward to that. Ok I think i've written enough (more than enough) so I'll stop here.
11:19 PM
Thursday, October 09, 2003
WEeelll Weelll...THought my blog was dead for good, eh? Well, I figured, since clem has started to update his blog (as of 5 days ago) I thought I ought to return the favour and update mine as well... (that's 4 "well"s and counting!). The OTHER reason for updating my blog at this unearthly hour of 1.30am (ok, not really) is I'm DEAD BORED of studying genes and whatnots. I have two tests this saturday, one biochemistry and one physiology, and hence a heck load of stuff to study, but i'm such a horrible slacker (and a dota addict!) that i'm not even halfway through. So, sue me. Hmmm been getting nice round numbers for my past 2 CAs (70, 80) hoping to hit the 90 mark someday but at the rate i'm going, it's prob NOT going to be in THIS one. Bleaugh. Ok shan't blather on anymore, if i get bored again later i'll probably post another one. School tmr is absolute crap. one lecture from 8 to 9am, then some funny practical thingsie doodah much later (thanks to being in the last group, as usual) I intend to be true to my med-school-muggerish-roots and camp out at the library, which incidentally has NEW CHAIRS. Haven't tried them out yet, but they sure look cushy. Am definitely going to plonk me butt on one of them tmr, and if they're not plush enough, that rusty old suggestion box outside the library (which is filled to the brim with sweet wrappers..haha) is going to get a little visit from ME. Muahahaha. Haha I wonder if F_ is going to school tmr. He's been oversleeping a lot and missing lectures (resulting in me sitting all by my lonesome with only my bag for company...and consequently falling asleep in lecture =( and in case he doesn't know it, I MISS F_ WHENEVER HE'S NOT AROUND. There, I said it. Call me a lovesick fool and laugh at me for all i care. Bleaugh. Ok, back to genetic diseases now i guess....boooriiing...*yawn*
1:27 AM
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