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Thursday, October 16, 2003
After reading the blogs of a thousand anonymous (and some not so anonymous) souls, i have been inspired to rejuvenate my ailing blog which hasn't been updated for a week. Admittedly, i only feel inspired to update my blog whenever my siblings update theirs (cos F_ doesn't keep a blog anymore...at least not that i know of *wink*) which currently is NEVER. Plus, med school has been so hectic that i simply have no time to update my blog anymore. Having CAs on alternate weeks has been taking a toll on my health...physical and perhaps mental as well...once one ca is over, you have a paltry one or two days to slack (or rather, to make up for lost sleep) then it's back to the grind again...You're perpetually stressed, coffee is your only source of sustanence (cos after awhile you're so tired you can't even be bothered to wake up early for breakfast) and after school all you feel like doing is sleeping but then you can't sleep cos you feel guilty about not studying. Frankly, the only thing which has prevented me from giving up on med school is F_, because when i'm with him, then i realise that there's more to life than just studying for a continuous string of CAs. That somebody loves me and cares about me, that I'm not mugging for the CAs alone...I love F_. He is also the only person I feel that I can turn to nowadays, cos my family doesn't understand how stressed I am. My parents think of me as the academically and mentally "strong one", who can be trusted to study by herself, without their motivation. My younger siblings think of me as some sort of weirdo-chao-mugger who is either fraternising with her textbooks or her bf. They pretty much assume that I can handle everything on my own, even when I whine to my mom about how stressed i am, she just deflects it with a smile and a simple "i think you're enjoying life more than your friends" (whatever THAT means) I guess it's because I always keep a smiley face in front of them, I don't want them to worry about me. So I only tell my problems to F_, because I think only he will understand, and even so, sometimes I don't want HIM to worry too much about me, so at the end of the day I keep most of them to myself, or tell them to God. The physical side effects of this chronic stress is pimples, worsening eyesight (my left eye ain't all that perfect anymore...must wear specs to school nowadays) and everybody (except F) tells me that I've lost weight. Worse still, last week we had two CAs in one, which really drove me to the brink of mental exhaustion (ever slept at 5am and woke up at 7am for a test? it's not worth it...) And other problems which are too personal even to put on this blog. Talk about it never rains but it pours. Felt so depressed the whole of week, just cried myself to sleep everynight, after F_ was asleep. Don't know if i've recovered yet, still feel shitty right this instant cos I know i should be studying but instead i'm slacking around, wanting to play bnet/read tombs/just chat on icq but too guilty to do any of them except blog and talk to F_ whenever he actually deigns to icq me. Sigh. I feel so damn unhappy now, and I don't dare to tell anybody, except my blog. I think i should just go to bed or something, and stare at the ceiling, cos that's the only thing which I seem to do at night. The only time I don't do that is when F_ is over, cos he'd take me out of my shell and distract me. I've been thinking it over and I should have told him just now, but I didn't, so here it is, if he reads this entry : I don't think I'm addicted to F_, I think I'm depressed because I feel overwhelmed and stressed by everything that's been happening to me, for example I still haven't got over any of the accidents yet...still having panic attacks. Contrary to what he believes, F_ is not the problem, he's the cure, cos when he's around he makes me feel safe (like when he's in the car I focus on him and I don't have panic attacks) and loved and he makes me feel like I am not alone, I can cope with my problems (e.g. when he studies with me, there doesn't seem to be quite so many topics to study). That's why if we were to spend less time with each other, it would only exacerbate the problem. Like I mentioned already, F_ is my sole source of moral support, and if he were to remove it, I'd just go crazy or sthg. But I do understand that he can't be with me 24/7 cos he has to spend time with his family too, I respect that, but just would like him to know that I really appreciate the time he spends with me, I treasure every moment of it, whether we're just napping or bnetting or studying or watching tv...Last sunday i brought F_ to a charismatic church, the worship style was very very different from my traditional church, but a lot more fun and we left with a strangely...exhilarated feeling. I'm real glad F_ enjoyed himself, cos it was his first time at church, and I didn't want him to be put off or anything. In fact, he said we'll be going again this sunday, and I really really look forward to that. Ok I think i've written enough (more than enough) so I'll stop here.
11:19 PM
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