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Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Now I understand what you tried to say to me And how you suffered for your sanity How you tried to set them free They would not listen, they did not know how Perhaps they'll listen now For they could not love you But still your love was true And when no hope was left inside On that starry, starry night You took your life as lovers often do But I could have told you, This world was never meant For one as beautiful as you
I haven't blogged for a long time. In fact, I haven't even been to my blog for such a long time. Got a huge shock when I entered it just now and found some weird posts on my tag board, from people i don't even know.
I don't even know what I'm doing here now. Started a new posting and a new year last week, and it's been pretty much hell so far. Other than the fact that the mortality rate is one death per day, my group mates are totally the opposite of my last group's. They're nice people, but rather quiet, unlike the boistorious fun I had with the previous group. But I guess I could learn something from their diligence...Maybe it'll spur me on to study/clerk harder, tho since posting started i haven't even touched my books, and i've been pretty slack about the clerking too...In fact if not for F_ i'd just go for tutorials only, I don't know why I don't feel so driven like I used to be last time...Maybe I'm just too tired from having to wake up early every morning...I never needed to wake up so early even when I was in secondary school/ jc. And now that softball season has started + saturday lectures, it means I don't have any day when I can just sleep in and relax.
Unfortunately most of my bad experience so far is due to the constant, daily quarrels with F. In fact, I think he probably wants to break up with me, and honestly i wouldn't blame him. After all, who would want to stay with some one who quarrels with you and cries everyday? What frustrates me is the fact that I love him deeply, and I know he feels the same way about me, so I don't understand why we quarrel on a daily basis. Scarily enough, last night he observed that we quarrel at exactly 1055am every day. Today we had a very bad quarrel over nothing at all, and when I went home I realised that we quarreled on the way to our 11am lecture, which was probably at 10.55 too, and I'm very freaked out by that. When I reached home (F had stalked off and I couldn't find him so I just went home) I dug out my Bible and prayed for guidance, then flipped randomly. The book fell open at Isaiah 55
"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways', declares the Lord.
'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.'
'As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire, and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.'
'You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.'
'Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed.'"
I don't profess to be some sort of a Bible intellectual, but this is what I can gather from it, and I tried to use it to answer the doubts that keep assailing my mind, though of course, I might be wrong on some accounts :
1) Why would God want to bring me and F_ together when we keep fighting, and we're so emotionally drained and our studies are affected? God is so powerful, and He has always loved and blessed both me and F_, so there is no reason for him to bring us together just to make us unhappy. If He knew this would happen, and I'm sure He did, why didn't he just prevent us from ever meeting each other or even being in the same class twice, or playing the same game? We had to go through so many obstacles just to get together, and now that we're together, we keep quarrelling...What's this all about?
I think that God led me to this verse cos he's trying to tell me that only he can see the big picture, and he has a purpose for the both of us being together. And if I'm patient he will reveal it to me eventually, his ways and thoughts are higher than ours so we shouldn't be frustrated by what's happening around us cos there's a reason for all this, there's a method to this madness. I just hope He shows it to me very soon cos F and I are getting very tired of all this...
2) What if F wants to break up with me? I love him very very much and I don't know how I'd be able to handle it if he really did break up with me eventually, tho like I said just now, I wouldn't blame him if he chooses to do so, he has reason enough. Sadly, ever since he first went to see the doctor for his anxiety disorder, the thought of breaking up with him has never crossed my mind...Even though at times he would go crazy and start screaming at me even when I'm driving, and slapping me. But all the same, I don't think that being with him, when I have so much problems of my own, would help him cope with it. If anything, he should be with someone who is stable and mature, cos he needs that kind of guidance. I know I'm not a very mature person - God, as well as my parents, has always shielded me from harm and hardship, and if I really do have ADHD, then my emotional development is obviously impaired (more about that later). The only good thing I can give to him is to lead him to Christ, hence the Bible gift, trying to bring him to church etc. It's not easy tho, cos not only is his family opposed to it (they're devout Buddhists) but also F is a very logical person, and Christianity is very much based on faith and not on sight, so I think that makes it harder for him to believe in it.
I feel that only Christ can truly remove our insecurities and make us whole, even if F found a new gf who was 10 years older etc she might not necessarily be the solution to all his problems, but perhaps he might be happier with her, who knows? Only God knows... And sadly, I know that with all my insecurities and unhappiness, nobody, not just F, would believe that God can be the answer to all their problems just by looking at me as a Christian. Right now I'm not crying, I'm just seeing myself as an outsider, trying to understand what's going on amidst all the strife and unhappiness. I really don't know what is the source of all this jealousy and insecurity, I used to think it was all those stories of my uncles' infidelity, but now I think it might be something deeper, but I feel so lost, and I don't know what to do to get rid of it. Unfortunately, F is not a very demonstrative person, he's very reserved, not the type who'd just spontaneously lean over to hug me and kiss me, even tho he does love me very much in his reserved way. I don't know. It might not be that either.
This chapter, Isaiah 55, doesn't really provide me with the answers either, but at least it does promise that I will go out in joy and be led forth in peace. And peace is something I sorely lack now. Even my sleep is constantly plagued by nightmares, and they're not the nightmares of my childhood-ghosts, vampires and what not. They're usually nightmares about F leaving me for someone else, or F quarreling with me, or F just not wanting to be with me anymore and just walking away...And they're so real that I wake up feeling unhappy and disturbed, and unlike my nightmares of childhood, these do not fade as the day progresses, but haunt me for a long time. Just last night, I dreamt that he left me for someone else. I don't know if that made me extra touchy today about that issue, but I woke up feeling so afraid.
You know, I read hp4 recently. There's this bit about how the main character, hp, has to do this task involving diving to the bottom of a lake and rescuing "the thing which you'd miss most if you lost it" In his case, it was his best friend. I just started thinking about this just now, while I was lying in my bed, and I think that F would definitely be "that thing" for me. And I think it is precisely because I love him so much, that I keep having a fear of losing him. I know F, ever the practical sort, would rationalize with words like "being dependent on him", etc but I know in my heart, that this is not true. Perhaps he does not understand that a person can love him so much that she'd rather die than lose him, not because of pride, or dependency, or loneliness, etc but because he means so much to her.
Sometimes, like this morning, and just now after we quarrelled, I feel this so acutely that it's like a stabbing pain, and it's so bad I can't help wondering if it'd be better if we had never met at all, cos the thought of losing F is so painful that it is literally driving me to insanity, and that's also causing me to overreact so badly to each time he comes into contact with another girl, or when he goes out till late and doesn't call back, I worry so much for his safety...And these worries are exacerbated by the fact that I don't have a very high self-esteem, all the constant criticisms from my mom and even F himself, even tho they just say it in passing or in anger, but it leaves a deep scar, and makes my self-esteem sink lower and lower till now, I just feel so worthless...And that's why even if F talks to a girl whom, to him, he'd never like, and whom he can't even imagine choosing over me, I still get so insecure and afraid...
My life has been so plagued by worries and fears, and I know this is not right..cos it's spilling over into my working life, my social life, and most importantly, my life with F. Isn't it ironic that I fear to lose F so much, and yet this fear is precisely what is causing us to quarrel so much, and driving us apart? Yet in the Bible..that famous verse from 2 Timothy 1:7 " For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." If I believe in that verse, I should not feel any fear, and most of all, I should not believe that I have anything wrong with my brain, i.e. ADHD, as I have a sound mind.
I don't know what to do right now. All I can do is wait and pray, pray that God will reveal his purpose to me, the purpose of all these quarrels and even my very relationship with F, so that I won't lose hope. My parents are overseas right now, and I don't want to disturb them, they're always so busy..So I can only turn to the Bible for advice and consolation. Who knows? Perhaps one day I'll look back at my life, when I'm an old lady stuck in some C class ward getting harried by medical students, and wonder why I'd been so unhappy in my youth, what those quarrels were all about, why I spent so much of my time and emotion on a relationship which, despite both parties loving each other so much, was so stormy and unhappy. And perhaps I'll wonder why I cried so much, why I was so unhappy, when God has blessed me so abundantly always. I pray that that day will never come...And oh how I wish I could know, right now, why this is happening to me and F. Sometimes I almost wish I could live in those olden days when God would just send visions and materialize in a bush etc, and just tell me straight out why this is happening...Or perhaps send an angel to tell me not to give up hope, to tell me to hold on and not to give up on everything...To explain what's going on..
Oh how I wish God would send me an angel to comfort me..
3:36 PM
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