|
|
|
|
|
| |
Friday, July 22, 2005
Another week has passed, and so quickly, half a posting has passed. End-of-posting test in 4 weeks, leaving me with 3 weeks to study, and I haven't touched any of my books. Fantastic. Been just sleeping and sleeping recently. Despite the pact F_ and I made not to go out on weekends, I still reach home earliest 5.30 everyday, after dropping him off and all that, and after pottering around aimlessly, having dinner, I usually fall asleep after dinner and just sleep till the next day. Sadly, wards is so tiring that the same cycle repeats itself daily, and I just never manage to get any studying done. I think I'm screwed.
One week since ecp, seems like ages ago I was walking along the beach with F_ picking shells and getting a bear-back ride. Quarrelled again over something stupid today, feel really horrible but I've given up trying to call him, I know he won't pick up anyway, and his hp is spoilt so I can't even sms him or anything to say I'm really sorry about today, and what happened. I don't know. He just took his bag and walked off, without even looking at me, and after that I just bent down and picked up his book and put it back in its plastic cover and went upstairs, turned on the air-con. Everything was mechanical, I felt like I was living in some sort of a horrible dream, and when I finally lay down on my bed I just wanted to wake up from it and find F_ next to me, hugging me and telling me everything's ok. My mind was a blank, even now I don't really know what happened just now, it's like I had a fit or something and now I can't remember why we quarrelled and what happened and everything's just a haze. All I know is F_ is very angry and disappointed with me, all I can see is the tears welling up in his eyes, and I just want to die cos I love him so much and I really don't know what happened just now and all I can remember is his eyes turning red and the tears and I just don't know why all this is happening, I just want to wake up from this nightmare where F_ doesn't love me and doesn't want me anymore and everything is ok again.
All I can see is his eyes, and him crying, and I just can't forgive myself for that ever.
11:55 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
